I was told I could never have children. I will always remember those words and the look in the doctor's eyes as they said it to me. Yes, they.....I saw 4 different specialists thought the years. However, in the back of my mind I always thought they might be wrong. I've always been the type of person to figure if there is a will there is a way. The truth is I never had a maternal bone in my body growing up. I didn't play with dolls as a little girl....I was more interested in dismantling things to see how they worked. I never babysat a day in my life when I was younger either. I can honestly say I never felt that tug towards motherhood when I was younger. Perhaps it was all the female issues I had until my late 20's. Perhaps it was because I hadn't found anyone that I wanted to have a family with. I don't know what it was, but I do remember when the feeling of emptiness hit me.
It was the day my sister-in-law told me she was expecting her second child. I could tell she was almost embarrassed to tell me. I was surprised and honestly I was caught off guard. I didn't feel bad at all and I was ecstatic for her and my brother. However, it was at that moment that I knew the marriage I was in was over. Don't ask me why hearing of a pregnancy made my mind up about my matrimonial affairs, but it did. Perhaps it was the fact that I knew it was going nowhere and I knew that I had been faking it for a long time. Just like I faked it in my first marriage. Shocking right? I've been married twice before. Am I embarrassed about that? Heck no, it's part of my life's story. I'm just glad that I wised up when I did. I like to laugh about it and say that I had to kiss 2 frogs before I found my prince. In my reality, it's the truth. Honestly though, I didn't go looking for him....he found me.
It's funny how that happens isn't it?! We've been together for 12 years now - married for almost 11. Want to know the weird part? I knew the minute I saw him that I was meant to be by his side. He felt it too. I don't want to sound all movie-plotish, but it truly was right out of a movie. It was like time stood still and we were the only two people in the room. So, we met. Eventually, we went on our first date. We were engaged 2 months later and married 16 months after we our first date. Some folks might think it was a whirlwind romance, but in reality it was meant to be. I never felt rushed and I never once doubted that he was the man I was meant to be with. I never felt that way before. Something else....not once have I had to fake my happiness, my contentedness, my never-ending love for him. One day it dawned on me that we would never have a family due to my medical condition. I cried. I cried where he couldn't see me. I cried myself to sleep. I cried in his arms. I cry now thinking about it.
I truly believe God heard my cries and I believe that he answered my prayers. He knew that I hadn't found "the one" yet, but once I did everything was set in motion. We were married a year and a half when we discovered that our son was on the way. I cried again. I was so happy and I was terrified at the same time. What did I know about being a mom? What did I know about babies? I had never changed a diaper before! At 35 years of age I was past making my own choices, past putting myself first, and deep inside I was full of gratitude. I was grateful to be on a new path. It was truly uncharted territory for me. I was truly lost in the moment of becoming a mom. My pregnancy wasn't without issues. I was terribly ill most of the time. I developed carpal tunnel. I had to endure some painful, scary tests. My labor was induced. It lasted for 56 hours and towards the end it got kind of hairy. In the end, Stone was born naturally and he was perfect. I clearly remember him not uttering a peep. You know the stories of when the doctor delivers the baby, slaps him on the butt and he cries? Well,
that didn't happen here....and it scared me. However, Shane was there. He was there for all 56 hours. He never left my side. He showed to me that day more than words could ever say what kind of father he would be. I knew it deep down before that day, but as I've always known actions say a heck of a lot more than words.
So, our boy was born. Our hearts melted and instantly we gave all that we were to him completely and forever. He is our everything. Becoming a mom truly is my greatest experience and my best accomplishment. Every time I look at our son I see the love between us in him. I revel in how smart he is and how big his heart is. He is kind and he is fun. He loves animals and he loves to visit people. He is learning how hard work out here on the ranch is our way of life and he loves it. As I write this, the day before Mother's Day, I just finished baking my guys a homemade chocolate sheet cake. We were out working this morning. I took the afternoon to do some things at the house. I decided to surprise them with something yummy for dessert tonight. I love being a mom and wife and I love baking treats for my sweets.
Our Mother's Day plans include spending the evening with friends. They have two youngsters. The guys are going to grill steaks and watch the kids while she and I sit in the hot tub and drink some wine. It might only last for 10 minutes, but it's the little things that mean the most. I don't need diamonds, roses, or a night out on the town. I am happiest surrounding myself with the ones I love. It's where my heart is.
How about you? What do you like to do on this special holiday for moms? Whatever it is I hope you cherish this day whether you are a mom or whether you are pampering your mom. I realize that not everyone celebrates this day and in truth that makes me sad. Even if you are a dog-mom, cat-mom, horse-mom, whatever kind of mom....celebrate your womanhood. Women have so much love to give. Don't forget to give some of that love to yourself.....remember, you are amazing, beautiful, and you deserve to feel special! Happy Mother's Day!